For those of you following along, this blog is an accurate depiction of me; what I’m up to, what’s inspiring me that week, and all that’s taking up my heart space. The stuff of my life. In real time.

I am a believer that things happen just as they should, at the exact right time. I could have every intention of reading that book on my shelf, the one that’s been sitting there for months, collecting dust. But I haven’t. Maybe I even opened it once or twice, but never again. Then for some reason, at the right time, I open it. And I continue to open it over and over again. I end up completely immersed, wondering why it took me so long. Because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t in the right space or time to really hear it. Instead of why, I choose to trust.

I feel the same about starting this blog. When I sit down to write, to share what’s on my heart, I feel clear. I feel grounded. Although my process is far from linear, I always hit “publish” with a sense of calm I didn’t have before. I’ve taken a few more steps forward. Towards joy. It now feels like a consistent, grounding space in my life that I continue to come back to. And an outlet I’ve been craving, created at the exact right time.

So what’s on my heart this week? Suffering. And all the ways I have contributed to my own suffering. I hold curiosity around what suffering is, what it means to suffer. When I think of suffering, I tend to think of trauma, of loss. I think about the many things that may happen out of our control, prompting pain and grief. More recently, personally and professionally, I’ve found true healing comes, not from continued focus on the experience, although important, but more on how we can free ourselves. Although healing begins by acknowledging your truth, feeling safe enough to share, in feeling validated, maybe for the first time ever, what we do next is equally as important.

Personally this season in life has come with challenges. My grief seems to be coming up at every turn, my life is much different than I hoped in some ways, and everything I ever dreamed of in others. I feel immense joy. I feel profound sadness. I feel hopeful and light. I feel discouraged and heavy. I feel held by so many, rejected by others. I feel clear and grounded, confused and lost. I feel it all, y’all.

In unpacking the many emotions this season brings, I ask myself, what contributes to my joy? When I feel loved and supported, who is standing beside me? When I feel inspired and hopeful, what new doors have opened? How have I welcomed them? What am I creating? And on the other end, what brings suffering? And with a lot of self love and humility, what can I do with this suffering? How can I move past it, how can I be free?

For me, a lot of my suffering comes from my relationships. I have had to acknowledge the deep attachment I hold around my relationships looking a certain way. If I’m being honest, I’ve been evaluating these attachments and working to let them go, redefining them, creating realistic expectations, for quite some time. And I’m still suffering. So what’s next? Now I seek to offer myself compassion and love, holding a deep understanding for why those attachments are so strong, why they are so difficult to fully let go. Because the new realization is that I need to fully let go, to release.

“If you let go a little, you’ll have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you’ll have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely, you’ll be free.” -Ajahn Chah

I’ve been letting go, as tolerable, having little happiness. I’ve learned to acknowledge and lessen attachments. To heal my inner wounds. I’ve had a lot more happiness. Now I seek to be free. And I find myself walking down the incredibly challenging path of letting go completely. I can trust. I wasn’t ready until now. I can hold two things to be true, I can remain hopeful for change, while also recognizing what is at this time. I can hold love in my heart. I can create the circumstances I need in order to heal, to show up in the ways I’m wanting. As a mother, a partner, a therapist, and as a human.

What ways are you needing to let go? In relationships similar to myself? Or in other areas? What deeper acknowledgements are you needing to make? What ways are you allowing suffering into your life? Maybe you’re not ready. But you will be. Because I know I deserve to be free. And so do you.

Be sweet to yourself,

Holly